All My Dreams - Part I

This morning we were at First Baptist Church in South Haven, MI. The guitarist from Sojourn (Dean Newell) is an elder and worship leader there. I've know Dean since I was eight. Growing up in high school we talked about our dreams and desires for our lives. The perfect wife, children, Christian pop/rock music, great careers. . . Actually we talked mostly about music and girls.

Dean has been in my life as I struggled through, consistently failing, falling and coming up short.

I often speak of God taking me through a 20 year deconstructing process of disappointment, discouragement, and suffering that brought "face-to-face" (as it where) with who He is. That was about four years ago, when I believe God had me in a place where my dreams and desires had matured to the point where He wanted to bring me to a dream I had had since I was a child.

When I was a boy, my family celebrated the lives of great missionaries, and looked favorably upon preachers and pastors. The unspoken message was that the highest you could rise in a career was to be either a missionary or a pastor. Also, as a boy I grew to love being busy about the church. We loved to be there, loved to be with God's people, to worship and to participate in whatever work there was to do.

Yet, my passion for God was covered by a shallow, self centeredness. Between the ages of 18 and 38 I met with constant frustration of those shallow dreams. Sometimes I got to achieve them. In every case I came to realise that my dreams for "my" life were ultimately unfulfilling. I remember when things really started to turn around for me, I think that I was about 36 or 37 and I was sitting at home. I was suffering from chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, depression, and allergies. I was ruining myself (and my family) trying to make a living full time in music. I remember over the previous months how I had shouted at God that he needed to fix me, but nothing ever changed.

That day sitting at home by myself, I finally said to God (in essence), I have nothing. The I want has turned out. The only thing I have left is You God.

God didn't take the pain away or suddenly make me better, but that was the turning point.

I need to get to work, so I'll have to finish this tomorrow.

Adam