My bought with Pneumonia was a wake up call. I had to admit that I could do paid job, ministry, Sojourn, and family at the same time. So, I started pulling out of quite a few things. I started learning how to have free time, and not to be very busy all of the time. I started spending much more time with my children so that my wife wasn't responsible for helping with their home work. We even worked it out eventually so that she gets every Wednesday evening off to just go out and do whatever she wants.
It has been a rich and fruitful blessing in my family's and my life, but it was a big sacrifice to give up my dreams of full time ministry. For a variety of reasons, we decided that dropping everything and going to seminary was a bad idea. Never one to just sit quietly and wait for something, I decided that I should pour myself into my career. I could use the tuition reimbursement and get a career related masters degree, earn as much as possible in order to get ready for retirement when I could do full time ministry.
I quit that after about a year, because while I enjoyed it, I felt dishonest the whole time I was doing it. I eventually had to admit, that my heart was not in the pharmaceutical industry or any other industry. What I really wanted to do was to serve in ministry with my life. Not just a couple of hours per week.
I wish I could say that I came to a place of quiet waiting in which I was happy to wait for God's perfect timing. God is tempering my action orientation with patience and greater forthought, but I have a long way to go. I had a lot of frustration. The difference for me at this point in life was that I was submitting to God. I remember when I used to be so angry that God wasn't giving me what I thought I was supposed to have or sending me where I thought He wanted me to go. About three years ago, I was finally at the place that I could honestly say, "God, I want to be what you want me to be. I'll go anywhere, do anything, be anything, give up anything. I'll even stay right where I am, and keep doing what I'm doing as long as you want me to."
That was a hard concession to make to the Lord, but I meant it when I said it. In fact, that is how I see God's special calling on my life: sacrifice. Philippians 2:6&7 talks about Christ being willing to "make himself nothing" in order to be born as a baby. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice when He willingly went to the cross, becoming sin for me so that I could be credited with His righteousness.
Even so, His sacrifice started the when he set aside His glory and great power in order to live life in human flesh. Yes, Hebrews 12:2 speaks of "the joy" set before Christ. I think that I have begun to discover this mystery. As I relinquish things, people, plans, etc to God, I open the way in my life for joy and freedom.
Think about it. Last August Sojourn performed what will likely be it's last public conert for along time. It's possible that Sojourn may never be able to regroup for a regular show. I've been in Sojourn nearly as long as I've been married. If Marge and I are so favored to be appointed as ABWE missionaries, then I am signing away my right to earn an income, get fat raises, and paid business trips. Instead, I must humble myself and be supported by fellow believers. We are putting our house up for sale, and have no guarantee if we will have the opportunity to own one again.
I'm currently in a position in which I'm being viewed as having expertise, sharp analytical skills, and I'm a valued member of teams at work in which I participate. I've been at Pfizer for five years, and have worked hard to build up that trust. My plan was to be there at least another five to ten, before considering moving up and on. As new missionaries we will be humbled since we will be new and inexperienced. It seems a little crazy. After all, I've finally built up some credibility some where, why leave now.
I'm not relating this in order to engender sympathy, but instead to relate to you that it is liberating to relinquish all my dreams and aspirations to God, and to wait upon His direction and provision. There are no guarantees of "success", but there is the guarantee that God is faithful, and that He has a plan and purpose for His followers.
I'm at a place now where I'm willing to simply submit and follow. The result is joy, peace, and a sense of liberty.
Adam
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